Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Amy Triumphant

©Ryan Kelly
A few years back, I had a huge art display at my art school's annual Art Sale. I spotted newly elected Hennepin County Attorney Amy Klobachar there checking out my work. She seemed to like this painting of mine and checked out the price on the back and moved on. If I knew then that she would become a United States Senator today, I would have given her the darn thing for free. It would have looked cool on my resume. I want no political favors in return. No insider contracts. No favorable legislation for artists named Ryan Kelly. No crony appointments to cozy government positions. Give me another chance, Amy. You can have any painting you want. It's yours.

I'm dropping the gauntlet right now. I want to paint your official Senate portrait. I'll depict you in full battle gear, mounted on your steed, gallantly fighting back drooling Republicans with your rapier as fires rage on the steps of the Whitehouse. In the distance, sun-splashed clouds drift back to reveal giant mutant eagles shooting acid on the front lawn of the capital as shamed legislators flee in terror. In the painting we can see NeoCons drowning in quicksand. Dick Cheney hiding in a foxhole with his hunting rifle! Bush Cabinet members being forced to actually answer questions!! Donald Rumsfeld muttering something about "Old Europe"!! Turd Blossom squished!!! Explosions! Rampaging killer robots! Dogs and cats living together!!! A bearded Grandfatherly God in the upper right-hand corner shaking his head in displeasure.
You are triumphant, Amy, Warrior Princess!


Blogger Zap Rowsdower said...

Zap's kinda cheesed that you don't use more of him in your detailed, expensive works of art.

Shit...I look at your stuff all of the time; but don't get the acclaim of a freshman Senator.

Getcher priorities straight, Jack.

11:44 PM  

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