Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Worstester To Worstestest...Aw, Screw It.

Let me start off by saying this...



Ok, now that I got your attention, Let me say, I'm sorry, my tone of voice was completely out of line on the previous blog. The negativity was completely uncalled for.

I got sick the night before surgery and surgery had to be cancelled. Isn’t that wonderful? Isn’t life full of those miraculous surprises? Oh, and I found a wonderful new drug! So now, instead of the sensation of peeing electrically charged sewing needles, I just have the sensation of peeing your plain ol’basic household sewing needles.

Ha ha. Life. It sure has a way of keeping you on your toes! Oh yeah, the drug turns your pee Orange Crush pop orange. In addition, it creates a raging storm inside my stomach that renders me incoherent and languid. Is this what PMS feels like? Why? Why, why me? Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love pain and all. But my penis has never hurt anyone, it doesn’t deserve this. Why. It’s not fair.

I give surgery another try on Friday. I can’t wait to get more acquainted with my stone. We’ve been the best of friends. Haha. We’re going to talk until the wee hours of the night and sip hot chocolate and reminisce about all the wonderful moments we’ve shared together. Oh, like that one time when I was 18 and I waited too long to pee, and I had to fumble out of my car, falling to the ground, clutching my abdomen and screaming in pain, completely immobile and laying in the middle of some random park begging for deliverance. Ha ha,What was that waiter's name? JEAN-LUC!

Haha. sigh. Oh, but I kid the stone.

Cancel all my meetings next week. Here’s my new Itinerary:
After I smother the last remaining breaths of life from my kidney stone with a pillow and curse it for 3 hours I:

-Blow it up in the parking lot with 8 packs of Black Cats.

-Then drive over it with my car in the driveway for 45 minutes.

-Then, and only then, ignite it with 2 bags of Hickory-smoked Kingsford Charcoal in the Charcoal Chimney for several hours.

- Then cook my dinner over it. And curse it some more. Then summon a mule-headed hell-demon to dance around it, spit the acidic bile of 10,000 damned souls onto it and, finally, send it to one or more of the chambers of hell where it will have melted metal dripped on it, sliced into pieces, and suffer the heat of the iron ground for eternity.

-Next, I kick it in the groin so it knows how I feel.

-Shortly, after that, I subject it to water torture in honor of my government.. ..Because the terrorists want to take my freedom.

-Finally, I drive it to the middle of the High Bridge and drop into the Mississippi where it will flow down to the Gulf of Mexico, hopefully into the gaping maw of a Hurricane.

Ha. Heh. Hahaa. Heee. Hehe. Haa. See. I’m happy, see…

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5 Comments:

Blogger Kirk Gauthier said...

Y'know, through your mentioning of your history of having these horrible kidney stones again and again, my mom was talking about this medical condition she has where the glands in her neck produce too much calcium, which can in turn lead to kidney stones. If you get the chance, you might want to look into this. I can't remember the proper term off the top of my head, but I'll look it up and e-mail it to you.

Just think, if you have it, you could one day wake up in a kidney store-free world! Isn't that a WONDERFUL idea?! :-]

12:32 PM  
Blogger K said...

In addition, it creates a raging storm inside my stomach that renders me incoherent and languid. Is this what PMS feels like?

(here by way of Brian Wood)

HELL. NO.

I have PMS right now.

I'm cranky and horny like you wouldn't believe and my breasts have almost gone up a cupsize, but are so tender I don't want a guy to even look at them hard.

And I'm getting zits. I'm 34, I should be done with that shit!

And on the months when I have no energy, it's like trying to think through a fog ... you want so badly to focus, but you can't.

And that makes you cranky.

But I'm so sorry you've been in such pain. I hope you get everything taken care of real soon.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Zap Rowsdower said...

Then cook my dinner over it. And curse it some more. Then summon a mule-headed hell-demon to dance around it, spit the acidic bile of 10,000 damned souls onto it and, finally, send it to one or more of the chambers of hell where it will have melted metal dripped on it, sliced into pieces, and suffer the heat of the iron ground for eternity.

I think that we've got a nice red wine that'll go with that...

Seriously, good luck on Friday. Let us know if you need anything.

Peace,

6:04 PM  
Blogger Katharina van Seethinbottom said...

Sir,

I hope you do not think it too brazen for a lady to say this, but I do verily wish you Godspeed and hope that forthwith your health shall be restored.

9:06 PM  
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